I write and delete.
I write and delete.
Come to me,
With all your glory and grace
Take me with you,
I’ll accept your cold embrace.
I’ll wait by the river,
Maybe on that bridge or a tree
So catch me when I jump,
Catch me and I’ll finally be free
Feet too tired to move
Feet too hopeful to stay
Exams start in less than a week and I am sitting here thinking why I shouldn’t just drop out and do something better than read about the different political systems around the world.
Really. Why shouldn’t I? For a degree that I won’t probably ever use? For the pride that I completed college? Why?
Education is so, soooo over-rated. I once had this opportunity to study abroad but the course I had received wasn’t at par with what society deemed to be “proper education” for a fulfilling life so I ended up here (I will make no reference) to receive this oh- so-proper education.
But everyday has been a continuous cycle of “why am I studying this?” “Why should I study this?” “Okay. Let’s not give up!”. I have to remind myself every single time that it’s just two more years, and not TWO WHOLE FUCKING YEARS! Where is the learning and growth in all this? In what sense is this proper?
I could been somewhere else right now, trying different cuisine, walking by the beach or even just looking at the sea (while studying) and that would have meant the world to me because other than on screens, I’ve never seen the sun drown in the watery horizon (me: cries in the corner).
Instead I’m here, cooped up inside my blanket with my laptop. Writing THIS.
But who do I blame? I chose this life. I chose to believe that this “proper” education is really important to have a good life. Maybe it is. Maybe this degree will give me a higher paying job than the other course. Maybe that will make me happier in the future. But fuck, it’s crazy that I’m betting so much on just this maybe. What if I don’t? What then? It kills me to think that a time like that might come.
How do people live without regrets? How can they accept every mistake they ever made?
We used to have this value education class every year when I was in school and the same question was asked at the beginning of the lesson: who are you?
I’d write my name. I’d say I was a daughter, a sister, a Scorpio (I don’t know why, but I take great pride in saying that I’m a Scorpio). And then I’d write some things that described me, like “I am someone who likes to read” or something around that line. But as I answered this question, I always felt empty. I felt like I didn’t know myself and that frustrated me a lot. Who was I? Why was it so hard to answer this question?
All these years I spent in school, I wasted most of it trying to “find myself”. I know there is a romantic idea of life being a journey to understand yourself and to attain self actualization or whatever but finally, I realize the answer to this question. I need not have a deep and insightful view about myself, something, I guess I’ve been searching for. All these deep insightful things I’d read were over rated and had warped my idea of how I should be. It had made me feel almost ashamed that I wasn’t a certain type of person, and that I will forever regret.
So, who am I?
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a Scorpio.
I am someone who likes to read.
I am filled with regrets.
I can’t “live the moment”.
I have a pretty pessimistic view about life.
I want to write amazing, beautiful stuff but I continue to fail because I keep using words like stuff (any advice? Anyone?)
I have extremely bizarre tastes in whatever I do. I enjoy reading poems about heartbreaks and death but then again, I often find myself reading memes about Donald Trump’s hair.
I love Pirates of the Caribbean but I also have a hard drive full of Korean drama.
This is who I am, as weirdly normal and boring as it may be. Simple as that ^_^. I am not a sophisticated chic girl who goes around inspiring people and that’s okay.
I’m finally letting go of this mask I’ve been unknowingly(?) holding all this time.
So big, so filled
Yet so small.
Of dreams, memories
Sometimes an empty hall.
Wandering, so lost
In this space.
Searching, for a path
In this maze.
“If people could put rainbows in zoos, they’d do it.” Calvin and Hobbes – Bill Watterson.